(FANFARE PLAYS)
Good evening, here is the news.
President Tito arrived at London Airport earlier this evening
on the first stage of his five-day visit to the...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Somebody's stolen the news.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
May I have the news back, please?
I'm so sorry about this, um...
Will you please bring the news back immediately?
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Well, as I was saying... it appears that this, uh... this president
um... president...
of, um...
- MAN: Yugoslavia! - Yugoslavia...
has arrived at London Airport, to... to... to...
see... uh... somebody... um...
very important about... um...
something...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...very important, I imagine.
Apart from that... um...
Excuse me, one moment.
Will you give me the news now! Give it! Give it now!
- Give it back or I'll... - No!
President Tito and Madam Tito
were met at London Airport by... argh!
Mr Jor...
And now a quick look at the weather.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show
And introducing our hostesses for tonight..
- I'm Aimi MacDonald. - I'm Mary Maude.
- I'm Christine Rodgers. - And I'm Frances Dean.
- What's your name? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(MILITARY DRUMMING PLAYS)
(BELL DINGS)
Very nice to see you sir, can I help you?
Oh, yes. I'd like to go on holiday in your country.
(IN A GERMAN ACCENT): Wonderful, wonderful. Sit down please, sit down.
But there aren't any chairs.
Then sit on the floor.
It's very clean. it's a very clean floor.
In our country all the floors are clean.
(IN A HIGH-PITCHED, HYSTERICAL VOICE): We have the cleanest floors in the world!
- Oh, I'll stand, thank you. - Ah, you prefer to stand.
Good, that's very good. Standing is very healthy for you.
Sir, if you prefer to stand, then please stand.
And stand properly! Right.
Now, when are you thinking of visiting our beautiful country?
- Well, I was thinking of May. - May, ah good.
You will be there for the beginning of the cricket season.
Oh, do you play cricket in Grublia?
Do we play cricket? We're the world champions.
We beat Poland in the final by 42 wickets. Don't you read the papers?
Also in May, you will be able to see the World Festival of Police
and the international Police Exhibition
and the world famous National Symphony Police orchestra
and the recently formed Royal Secret Police ballet company.
Now, how long do you wish to come for? Three weeks? A month?
Well, I was thinking of a week.
A week?
A sneaky little week?
What's the matter, don't you like our country?
It's better than your lousy country!
I think your lousy country stinks!
Be quiet! Our country is very beautiful...
and our peasants are very gay.
It has been statistically proved
that our peasants are the gayest in the world.
They are almost seven times gayer than the British.
I'm sure you will enjoy your holiday.
You will enjoy it very much.
If you don't enjoy it, you will be punished.
- Do you understand? - Yes.
Good, that's wonderful.
Now, do you wish to stay in our beautiful state hotels?
- Yes, please. - Alright.
But none of your wooden horse tricks, huh?
- No. - Right.
Now where exactly do you wish to go?
Well I'm not quite sure. I was having a look at...
(HE SHOUTS): Don't play games with me!
We have ways of making people talk!
- But I don't know! - Alright, I will go and get the brochures.
Wait here one moment.
If you go to the north
you will be able to visit one of our famous collective farms
and see some of our world famous politically orientated cows.
These cows have been scientifically trained to lay eggs
and over three quarters of them are fully qualified chemical engineers.
Another triumph for freedom.
If, on the other hand, you care to visit the south
you can see some of the traditional folk dances
where the folk all come and dance on the green.
And also the traditional police dances
where the police all come and dance on the folk.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
There is also the famous local wine made by the peasants.
You can hear that every evening when the police are dancing on them.
Very funny, very, very funny.
Ha, ha, ha?
- (HE WHIMPERS): Ha, ha, ha... - Good!
That's the trouble with you British, no sense of cruelty. Now...
do you wish to go to the north or to the south?
Well, my wife and I were thinking of Schplintz.
Schplintz?
- What do you know about Schplintz? - Nothing.
- I know nothing! - What's so special about Schplintz, huh?
Now what's this about a wife? You never said anything about a wife!
You know something? I think you're spies!
That's what you are, spies.
Filthy spies, you and your wife!
Spies! What's that... what's that bulge in your armpit?
- Don't be personal. - That's right, you're spies!
Filthy spies. You and your spy wife.
Well, you know what we do with spies in our country?
We line them up against the wall
and we shoot them.
Do you hear me? We shoot them!
Slowly!
- Still want to come? - (IN A SMALL VOICE): Yes, please.
Alright, I will go and get Mr Guber to attend to you.
I'm afraid I have to be going now.
Uh, I don't like to boast
but I'm being executed at three.
Well, it's alright, it's not for anything serious.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: And now a song from Jack the Ripper.
# Give me the moonlight #
# Give me the gal #
# And leave the rest, muahaha, to me #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Which is a funny way to treat a vicar.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Uh, now, uh... what did you come to see me about?
Your memory training course, I'd like to enrol.
Oh, yes. You see a lot of people suffer from poor memory.
It's much more common. It's as common as, um...
Yes?
- "Yes" what? - You were saying, "It's as common as..."
Oh yes, so it is. So it is, as common as, uh...
- muck! - Muck?
Common as muck.
Word association, that's the basis of the whole method.
- Uh, now you're Mr, uh... - Prescott.
- Absolutely. - And I'm, uh...
D-R Robinson.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Dr Robinson, good, yes.
Uh, now what did you come to see me about?
- Your memory training course. - Ah, good.
Yes, you see a lot of people suffer from a poor memory.
It's as, um...
- Common as muck? - Good, you got it!
That's very good.
See, word association, that is the basis of our whole method.
Now you take this common object here, this, uh, um...
uh...
- What do you call it? - Cup.
Ah, ah, exactly.
Now, supposing I wanted to remember the name of this, uh...
- Cup. - Yes.
What does it make me think of? Um...
A nude woman.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Yes.
That's what I think of immediately.
And what do I imagine this nude woman is doing?
- Drinking tea? - Excellent!
And what's she drinking tea out of?
A saucer.
- A cup! - Yes, uh, cup, saucer.
Cup and saucer.
It's a cup, good you're getting the idea.
- I think so. - Right, uh...
Now you see, word association, that is the basis...
That is the basis of the whole, uh...
the whole...
in the wall.
Hole in the wall.
And I look through the hole in the wall and what do I see?
A nude woman.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Uh, yes.
Uh, was there anything else you wanted to know?
Well, does it work?
Oh yes, yes, yes, it works on numbers, dates...
Try me on any date.
Alright then, the battle of Trafalgar.
Trafalgar. Trafalgar Square...
square...
square whole in the wall. Look through the square hole in the wall
- and what do I see? - A nude woman?
Yes, and who is this nude woman?
- No idea. - It's the Empress Josephine.
Josephine, 1815, it rhymes you see.
1815? 1815 was Waterloo!
Trafalgar was 1805!
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I haven't finished.
Josephine's wearing her wellington boots.
Can't see her toes.
Ten toes, can't see 'em.
Deduct ten, 1805. There you go.
- Alright then, the date of Waterloo. - 1815.
- Yes, but how did you get it? - Wait a minute, wait a minute
Waterloo. Battle of Waterloo.
Waterloo Station.
Waterloo station train to Brighton
Brighton Pier, pier...
peer through the hole in the wall and there's the Empress Josephine
in the nude. Josephine, 1815.
But she's got the wellington boots on. You've got to deduct ten.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Battle of Waterloo.
Duke of Wellington.
In he comes, wants his boots back
sees her toes, don't deduct ten.
Battle of Waterloo, 1815.
Simple, it's as simple as that, you see.
Well, that's given you a general idea of the way our system works.
So what do you think?
Doesn't your system depend rather a lot on nude women?
Oh, yes. Yes. You should see our brochures.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Well, uh...
Can I take it you're going to sign up with us then?
- Yes. - Good.
Um, Miss Lipscot, would you bring in the forms, please?
- And, uh, Mr, uh... - Prescott.
Would you care to join me in a nude woman of tea?
- Thank you. - Uh, sugar?
- Please. - Right.
Ah, Miss Lipscot that's two nude women please, one with and one without.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Oh, and, uh, make them strong would you?
- (SULTRY TRUMPET TUNE PLAYS) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Because it was there.
Do you know what I mean, darling?
(MUSIC: "COLONEL BOGEY MARCH" BY JOHN WILLIAMS)
Eyes right!
Eyes front!
About turn!
Eyes left!
Eyes front!
Company halt!
Uh, what do you think of the battalion, sir?
Oh, splendid, splendid. A one man battalion, I see.
- Uh, yes sir. We find it's more efficient. - Quite, quite.
- Right sergeant, carry on. - Thank you, sir!
Battalion, shun!
Battalion dressing from the right, right face!
- Perfect formation. - Yes, yes.
Battalion, slope arms!
As I was, 'orrible little man!
Who do I think I am? Bloody Lord Muck?
Well, I'm not. I'm am 'orrible little man, what am I? An horrible, that's right!
When I give me and order I expect me to snap into it
not mince into it like a ruddy little fairy!
Right, battalion slope, high!
That's better.
Battalion, by the right, quick... wait for it! Wait for it!
Quick march!
One, two, one, two...
That's better, lift 'em up. The feet, damn right. Battalion halt!
(RIFLE CLATTERS TO FLOOR)
And just what do I think I'm doing?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - I can't take any more of this, sir.
Pick up my rifle! No!
How many times do I have to tell me to say "sir" when I'm talking to me?
Pick up my rifle! No!
Oh, pull myself together man. This is the last time I'm warning me!
Pick up my rifle!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, now I've really done it.
I'm throwing the book at me for this!
I'm putting me on a charge for striking a superior officer.
(HE REPEATS): One, two.
Sir, I'm putting me on a charge for striking a superior officer!
Quite right sergeant. To the guard room.
Prisoner at the double, by the right, quick...
wait for it, wait for it.
Quick march, one, two, one, two, left, two, one, two, one two, right.
(MARCH COUNT CONTINUES)
- I'm sorry about that, sir. - Oh, don't worry Colonel.
There's always one bad-un in every bunch.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - (MUSIC: "COLONEL BOGEY MARCH" PLAYS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
Have you ever wondered what would happen
if the battle scenes from Dostoyevsky's immortal novel
The Brothers Karamazov
were set to music by Noel Coward
and played by the cast of Coronation Street on ice?
We think it would go something like this.
Good evening, we have in the studio this evening
the Minister of Fuel, Mr James Pemberton.
- Good evening, minister. - Good evening.
Now Minister, I believe you've been in Germany this past week
studying new coalface methods.
Do you think you've learnt anything that could be of use to British coal production?
Well, it's very difficult to say at this stage.
- But it does begin to look... - (METALLIC CLANG)
Good heavens, my foot's dropped off!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- it's gone to sleep? - No, it's dropped off.
It's fallen on the floor, look!
There it is under the table. It fell off!
So it has. Will it screw back on again?
Course it won't screw back on! Your foot doesn't screw on does it?
Could we have the camera round
- on the Minister's foot? - Keep the bloody camera away from my foot!
I don't want people staring at it!
Uh, Minister, how did it drop off?
I don't know, it's never happened before.
- It just came off. Urgh! - (METALLIC CLANG)
There goes the other one. My feet have dropped off. Both of them!
- Oh dear, oh dear! - Oh!
- Why did this have to happen on television? - (METALLIC CLANG)
Could I have some sticky tape, please?
- Oh! Oh! - And a box!
- Oh, uh, thank you. - Uh...
- Minister, while you were... - (METALLIC CLANG)
Going back to Germany. What...
- Oh, my thigh! My thigh's fallen off! - (METALLIC CLANG)
Uh, Minister. Is this your knee?
Of course it's my knee! Whose do you think it is?
- Put it in the box! - While you were in Germany
- did you... - Oh!
I'm falling to pieces, help!
Uh, did you discover anything that could be
- of help... - Put me in the box!
For God's sake, don't lose any of the bits!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - You know...
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - (FANFARE PLAYS)
Look, America!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - THE OTHER GIRLS: So it is!
Engine driver Spriggs, sir.
Ah, Spriggs.
You again.
- Is that all, sir? - No, Spriggs.
Sit down, please.
- It wasn't me, sir. - Quiet, Spriggs.
You know, I don't have an easy job, Spriggs.
No, sir. I know you don't, sir.
I suppose each week, I have to...
investigate about 30 serious complaints against the railways.
- Yes, sir. - In a bad week, perhaps 50.
- Yes, sir. - And each complaint
- takes a great deal of time. - Yes sir, I know it does, sir.
Last week, Spriggs, I had to investigate several serious complaints
against you, personally.
Oh, sir.
Actually, about 40,000.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- I'm sorry, sir. - That's a lot of complaints, Spriggs.
It is, sir, lots, sir.
I haven't been able to leave this office for days. Days!
As a result, my wife has gone off with an Arab.
My dogs are dead and somebody's opened a Chinese restaurant in my bedroom.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - I'm sorry sir, can I go now?
- Forty thousand complaints, Spriggs! - Yes, sir.
About Monday's incident.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Oh, sir.
Last Monday Spriggs, you were scheduled to drive the 10:15 to Bristol.
- Yes, sir. - But you didn't take it, did you, Spriggs?
- No, sir. - You took a cattle train.
- Yes, sir. - Why, Spriggs?
I like animals, sir.
- You like animals? - Yes, sir, especially cows.
So you took 700 of them?
- Yes, sir. - The entire London to Brighton cattle train.
To Manchester!
- Yes, sir. - Why Manchester, Spriggs?
Well, I've been to Brighton, sir.
So you took 700 cows to Manchester?
Yes, sir. Travel broadens the mind, sir.
But even if you wanted to go north, Spriggs, why didn't you take the up line?
I got confused, sir.
- But you ignored all the signals. - I was out of my cabin, sir.
Sitting on the engine, flying your kite.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Yes, I've seen the photographs in the papers.
(HE LAUGHS)
What are you laughing at Spriggs?
I'm trying to break the ice, sir.
Don't push me, Spriggs.
So you took 700 Sussex-bound cows to Manchester
on the down line, flying a kite.
Yes, sir.
Why? Why, Spriggs?
(HE SHOUTS): Why?
Well, it seemed like a good idea, sir.
I realise now, it was an error.
- It was, Spriggs. - Yes, sir.
Now, about Manchester Cathedral...
- I forgot to stop, sir. - Yes, I know, Spriggs.
The traffic policemen have told me, so has the Archbishop.
He has described the arrival of you and your locomotive
in the nave during the 49th psalm in no little detail.
It seems to have been an unnerving experience
for the entire congregation, Spriggs.
I said I was sorry, sir.
He goes on to say, Spriggs, that when he tried to restore calm
by mounting what was left of the pulpit to begin his sermon
you started shouting operations in the east transept.
I was in his way, sir. I was trying to help him, sir.
Then why did you release the cows?
I panicked, sir. I couldn't see in all the steam!
Neither could the congregation, Spriggs. That's why the cows came as rather a shock!
The organ and the clanking
and the hot steam would have impressed an atheist
let alone those who believe in the wrath of God!
Even the Archbishop has said he thought it was the end of the world.
I can pay for the damage, sir. I took a collection.
Yes, the Archbishop's told me that.
No, Spriggs. I'm going to punish you, Spriggs.
- Oh, sir! - Very severely, Spriggs.
- Oh, sir. - You are to write out 50 times, Spriggs
"I must not drive my trains into Manchester Cathedral."
- Now, get out! - Yes, sir.
- Oh, Spriggs. - Yes, sir.
- Where are last week's lines? - Uh...
Here, sir.
"Buckingham"'s got a capital "B", Spriggs, and there is only one "L" in "Palace".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now!
(DANCE HALL MUSIC PLAYS)
Hello, would you send in Constables Bewd, Hawkins and Staybaker, please?
Thank you.
Right, come in, lads.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'm sorry about this, lads
but to put it bluntly, we're a little bit short of plainclothes policemen.
Not to say, plain clothes policewomen.
As you know, tonight we are going to raid the Pink Rhinoceros Nightclub
and it's your job to infiltrate unobtrusively amongst the clientele
as ladies of the night, as it were.
Which brings me to the point...
Staybaker, why the pipe and the moustache?
They have a certain lack of feminine mystery.
- Oh, sorry. - And you, Hawkins.
The helmet under the arm does nothing for the ensemble.
- Sorry, sir. - And Bewd.
Bewd, I do think you might have taken the trouble to shave your legs.
I did, sir. This morning, sir. It's five o'clock shadow.
Well, apart from one or two of those little niggling details
I think you all look absolutely super.
- Oh, thank you, sir. - I'm sorry.
Sorry about the police boots
but high-heeled shoes, size 16, are hard to come by.
Now, let's see if we can remember our names for this evening, shall we?
- Uh, Staybaker. - Philippa, sir.
- Philippa? - Yes, sir.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That is a nice name.
Uh... no doubt of that.
- Hawkins? - Samantha, sir.
And Bewd, don't tell me, Bewd.
- (THEY GIGGLE) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I think it was Doris, sir.
- Good, well that's splendid... - Sir, do I have to be Doris, sir?
It's such a mousey name.
Well, what would you prefer?
Bubbles, sir. Bubbles, yeah.
Bubbles? Bubbles... well, Bubbles it is then.
Beg pardon sir, if he can be Bubbles do I have to be Philippa, sir?
What's wrong with Philippa? It's rather a nice name.
Well, it's alright. Alright, but it's a bit plain.
It's a bit common if you know what I mean, sir.
If you don't mind, I'd rather be Beryl.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Police Constable Beryl it is then, and I suppose Hawkins
you want to change your name?
Uh, no sir. I'm quite happy with my name, sir, I think Samantha is me, sir.
I think with my English rose complexion it's lovely. it's lovely.
It's definitely me, sir.
Yes.
SENIOR POLICEMAN: Now, with that cleared up, we should be alright.
Yeah.
SENIOR POLICEMAN: Were you at all worried about your perfume, any of you?
- Oh yes. Yes, sir. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think, my perfume...
I think my perfume is too flowery, sir, for a Safamantha.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - A Samantha.
What I'd like sir, is something a bit more maddening
like what Doris has got.
- Bubbles! - Bubbles.
Right now... (HE TRIES TO STIFLE A LAUGH)
Well, you know... you know what you have to do.
You go to the club and you seat yourselves provocatively on a barstool
and engage gentlemen customers in conversation.
Now, what's going to be your approach, uh...
- Philippa? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Cor, uh... yes sir.
I'd say "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello cheeky face."
"Wanna buy a drinky for a pretty little copper?"
I mean, "girl", sir.
Splendid, but don't forget to waggle your hips a little bit.
OK sir, but I don't want to appear too cheap otherwise he won't respect me.
Uh, one question, sir. What do we do if the gentlemen get too fresh?
Very good question. What if the gentlemen get just a little bit too fresh.
What would you say, um... Bubbles?
Uh, I'd say, "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello".
"What's all this then? Mind how you go, and I must warn you..."
"...that anything you take down may be used in evidence against you".
- Good. - Quite right, ducky.
- Thank you, Sam. - Now you go...
you go to the club, act as aforementioned
and when the cabaret goes on
then you take up your positions by the doors
and when the stripper, Miss Gloria Estahazy, comes to the end of her act
you reveal your identities and make your arrests, right, got that?
Yes sir, one thing, sir, why can't I have a mini skirt like Bubbles has got, sir?
You haven't got the legs for it. Dress your age, sweetheart!
What do you mean, "I haven't got the legs for it?"
What do you mean "my age", you old scrubber!
- That's what you are, a scrubber! - Did you hear what she called me?
- (INDISTINCT ARGUMENT) - Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen!
- (INDISTINCT ARGUMENT) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Gentlemen.
(HE SHOUTS): Gentlemen!
Would you please remember, you're ladies.
Now, off you go, now, and at the cue when Miss...
- (HE LAUGHS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
At the cue, you arrest everybody in the club, oh, except...
Miss Gloria Estahazy, the stripper.
I don't want her touched.
- Why not, sir? - 'Cause that'll be me!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Last week, due to a misunderstanding
between the director and myself
you didn't see me dance.
But last night, I made him promise.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)